Job title: Mother
Job description: Responsible for assisting, nurturing, guiding and protecting offspring safely into adulthood and possibly beyond (if said offspring need additional time to “find themselves” or other random
Physical requirements: Must have the ability to support a 26-pound clinging appendage that is limited to single word requests such as “juice,” “blanket” or “cookie.” Ability to play Chutes and Ladders while simultaneously constructing Lego creations, all while balancing infant in lap and keeping a large canine away from food products held by anyone present in the room under three feet. Must be capable of suppressing gag reflex when faced with dirty diapers, vomit, snot, reaching in garbage disposals and anything that comes out of either end of a canine; dock spider removal, water snake "relocation” and talents in eradicating rodents are a plus. Must be capable of wheeling carry-on suitcase while like a heat seeking missile, keeping track of offspring, paperwork and plastic container full of Cheerios.
Knowledge skills and abilities: Communication and PR skills mandatory, as you must convince teens that the zit on their nose is not as big as it appears. Also, it may be necessary to look the offspring in the eye while grasping a steering wheel with white knuckles and tell them that although they may not be able to see a darn thing from the passenger side while driving through a horrific storm, from your seat as the driver, things are crystal clear and everything will be OK. Proficient coaching skills necessary in athletic endeavors. Skills may also be needed to encourage first time tampon users through closed door, urging child out of house after catastrophic haircut or telling child that even after staring at the same pine tree while kayaking in a wind storm, that you are really making progress. Must come equipped with “Buck up Beaver” speeches such as “F” does not stand for “failure” but rather “find out” and “follow through” as well as the standard “Success comes in a “can” not a “can’t”. “Someday we will think this is hilarious” will be used numerous times. It is especially helpful if child does not sufficiently back up, pulls forward and rams into the car parked next to them in front of the Department of Motor Vehicles BEFORE taking the driver’s test.
Educational requirements: A junior engineering degree helpful, especially while putting together anything that comes with directions and small parts. Nursing skills a must for diagnosing a real ailment versus “I-didn't-do-Brit-lit-homework-itis.” Must have a keen sixth sense to enable you to know where every charger for every electronic device, clothing and assorted missing items are located.
Please note: Performance reviews will be given randomly by the older generation, in-laws and other women with the “mother” title, especially those who have memorized the school calendar, volunteer at every event and know how to make cute costumes on a budget. As you progress, the offspring may contribute their opinions on your performance as well.
Compensation: Once entering the mothering profession, you will find that every time your wallet opens, the money will fly out. However, the more love you give the more you will receive.
Position summary: This job is highly demanding. Your body (things that once headed north may venture in the opposite direction, and whose bright idea was it to have hormonal fluctuations the same time teens get behind the wheel?) and mind (a few cells have to shrink after keeping track of everyone’s schedule while at times sleep-deprived) may take a beating, but your spirit will soar with every payment of a hug, laugh and “I love you.” The major downside of the position is that it goes by far too quickly and your heart may break a bit as you see the offspring gain greater independence and your job responsibilities diminish. If you are a passionate, idealistic, adaptable womanwho does not wince at words such as “carpool,” “team rep mom” or “sleepover,” be assured “Motherhood” is the opportunity of a lifetime that comes with endless benefits and priceless payments.